Lower back pain, part of my why

I am in so much pain today.  The human spine can only hold up so much belly fat. Hurty!

And yet, I don't want to get back into the habit that I was in after the car accident that hurt my back. I was taking more and more pain killers and muscle relaxants.


Today I have put my TENS (Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulator) on my back and I will be going into the hot tub at the pool today. I will swim, if I can, but I will not swim the butterfly stroke. Easy does it when I am feeling this way.

Star Jones & Rosie O'Donnell and even Me.

Start from about 12:00. The truth that Star Jones has to say about her journey just floored me. She has such insight now.

This was really inspiring to me.

Here is Rosie. She had the Vertical Gastric Sleeve and briefly talks about her mind shift and how it is still strange to her. She sometimes does not see herself as she is.

When I lost a lot of weight, I felt out of body.  I was excited, but it didn't feel like me. I know to expect that now and to realize that even now, I don't feel like me. I guess because I am not constrained to this body.

What I mean is that, in my head, my brain, my mental voice, I am all that I have always been forever.

I am the little girl, the teen, the pregnant woman, the beaten woman. I am the sum of all of my experiences.

This is me today. This is the worst of me.

This was me last month.

 This was me in July, marrying my son and his wife. Wearing a purple tablecloth, essentially.

 This was me in 2007, sick, thin, and ready to relapse.

Whom am I, truly?

I guess we will just have to see.

Do I have a death wish?

Now that I've started the process, I am scared. My brother's wife's niece is seventeen and has gastopareisis, that's a paralysis of the stomach muscles. They don't know what causes it. But she's skeletal.

They had to put in a stomach feeding tube and last night she vomited in her sleep and nearly died. What would that girl give for a functioning stomach? And I'm wanting to have mine cut out?

How can I not be able to just lose my fat? How weak am I? Who considers stomach amputation? God, I feel like such a loser.

On the way to the pool, because I needed an excuse to be alone, to talk to God, to talk this OUT, I thought about Lasix surgery. Who does that? What if that goes wrong?  BLINDNESS.

The risks of liposuction and body contouring are the same as the sleeve - clots to the heart or brain, bleeding, death.

People inject botulism into their FACES.

I have SIX children. Kim is 31, Ricky is going on 30, Andy is 28. Jon just turned sixteen, Charlie us fourteen, Rachel is ten. Three grandkids, ages 6, 6 and 2. I have a lot to live for.

I'm so afraid of dying or doing something I'll regret long term, but I'm killing myself with every spoonful. I've done it all, diet-wise. Failed, failed, failed.

It's this, or I wait until the big C hits and I lose weight on chemo like my parents did.

Before they died of cancers who's highest risk factor was - obesity.

I'm not going into this for a fucking bikini body. I've simply got no other option.