Do I have a death wish?

Now that I've started the process, I am scared. My brother's wife's niece is seventeen and has gastopareisis, that's a paralysis of the stomach muscles. They don't know what causes it. But she's skeletal.

They had to put in a stomach feeding tube and last night she vomited in her sleep and nearly died. What would that girl give for a functioning stomach? And I'm wanting to have mine cut out?

How can I not be able to just lose my fat? How weak am I? Who considers stomach amputation? God, I feel like such a loser.

On the way to the pool, because I needed an excuse to be alone, to talk to God, to talk this OUT, I thought about Lasix surgery. Who does that? What if that goes wrong?  BLINDNESS.

The risks of liposuction and body contouring are the same as the sleeve - clots to the heart or brain, bleeding, death.

People inject botulism into their FACES.

I have SIX children. Kim is 31, Ricky is going on 30, Andy is 28. Jon just turned sixteen, Charlie us fourteen, Rachel is ten. Three grandkids, ages 6, 6 and 2. I have a lot to live for.

I'm so afraid of dying or doing something I'll regret long term, but I'm killing myself with every spoonful. I've done it all, diet-wise. Failed, failed, failed.

It's this, or I wait until the big C hits and I lose weight on chemo like my parents did.

Before they died of cancers who's highest risk factor was - obesity.

I'm not going into this for a fucking bikini body. I've simply got no other option.