Feeling More Centered, Less Panicked.

Let's preface this by saying that I am Peri-menopausal. That means that I am in that grey area before periods cease, but have been having hot flashes since I was 43. I am 49. As a survivor of incest, I am very unlikely to go to a gynecologist for help, but I am probably more anxious recently, because I am kind of PMS'y.

Although one never knows. I have gone eight months once without a period and then had three in a row thirty days apart.

Who knows how this works.

But my last post was from a terrified me. I had googled "weight loss surgery problems afterward". I do NOT suggest that anyone do that. Wow. Many were horror stories from the seventies. Horizontal stomach stapling was a nightmare. People died after that.

I am still hearing stories from time to time, but I am trying to lower my risk taking by doing the following:

• Exercising every day so that I am in the best shape I can be for surgery.
• Reading up from CREDIBLE sources, about this surgery.
• Talking to my doctors about what to expect down the long-term road, such as vitamin needs, aging, osteoporosis, stuff like that.
• Making sure that I keep remembering that I have five or more months to make this decision and it is my decision.

I might get hit by a bus tomorrow. I might have the surgery and live a healthier life and live to be ninety. I might end up getting cancer like my parents did.

Who knows the end, except God? And he's not tellin. But he's not telling me not to do this, either.

I have the same feeling that I would have if I was at an amusement park and standing in line at the roller coaster. Will I go on? Will I die if I go on? Will I enjoy it? Will it make me happy?

And yes, I am THAT scared of roller coasters.

I think I am going to schedule that GYN appointment. I am pretty sure my dead father isn't going to be the doctor.