Decision Making Process & Sleep Study

I have been all over the map since I started the five month insurance mandated diet, which is required prior to weight loss surgery.

At first I thought I would be able to just whip right through it. Not so. I am weighing in today, after the first month or so of dieting and it has not been easy. I don't know if I have lost any weight, because the scales are just all over the place.

I have quit the diet twice and then climbed back up on that bad horse again. It has been hard. I have logged daily and tried to exercise, but many times I have fallen short.

Here are a few of my downfalls:

1. Vanilla Oreos and Black Coffee
2. Nutella and Peanut Butter  - I ONLY crave peanut butter when I am dieting.
3. Reese Cups
4. Popeye's Chicken
5. McDonald's Egg McMuffin (no meat or muffin)

Other than these, I am doing ok.

Well, I am pretty stressed.

I had a sleep study. It was fairly awful. The bed and pills were hard and the cords connecting me to the machine were so short that I could not turn over. The room got hot and I had a terrible time sleeping.

However, I was diagnosed with apnea, having stopped breathing 44 times in an hour of sleep. So I guess it's the CPAP for me. That also means that I no longer have to stick to 40 as the minimum BMI that I can have to still have the surgery. I can go as low as 35 and still qualify. That means I can lose more weight on my own.

This gives me the ability to really give the remaining four months of dieting a full shot and see what I am capable of doing and whether I would relapse or not.

I also started seeing a therapist. I want to get past some childhood issues. Lots of abuse in our household as a kid. My parents are both dead, so I can't confront them, but my father sexually abused me as a kindergartner. I am finding that this is at the core of a lot of body-related and anxiety issues for me. My brothers and sisters completely don't believe me, but another family member was also abused by him and she and I have been able to talk about it.

So I am not just imagining it.

I have a lot of work to do. I even have a self-hypnosis disk to try that, because, well, what if it worked? I want to try everything that I can before I go under the knife.